If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private