is this meant to deter me
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I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-