My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
i love modern commerce
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine