wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Schrödinger’s cookie
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.