A wise man once said nothing.
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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.