Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”