I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
sleeping beauty
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?