So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart