Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?