BaD BoY!!
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I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.