Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
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Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: