I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Thursday Thought.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.