Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
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Seek kebab; not attention
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.