Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him