Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
You Might Also Like
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?