LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.