[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.