Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*