will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way