H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?