If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.