Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Weโre intellectual opposites.
Youโre intellectual and Iโm opposite.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Told my wife โIโm not mad, Iโm disappointedโ and now sheโs not mad, sheโs furious.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc heโd only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
20s: There are three people? Iโm not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! Iโm not going to the party
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean thatโs-thatโs not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: whatโs up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined youโre a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head