“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
They’re the worst 😩
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
courtroom exchange of the day
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner