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‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.