“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂