A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room