I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?