hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I want what they have
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location