INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
You Might Also Like
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Software Development ⛵️
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream