It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
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Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
getting groceries
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Best seat on the street 😍
they should invent a rest for the wicked
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”