It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.