5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
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My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Duck typos.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.