how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Taliband
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.