*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.