“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
*has no idea what a book even is*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.