Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 馃檪馃惥
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I鈥檝e never seen Die Hard but I assume it鈥檚 about a dude who dies during sex?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you鈥檙e exercising.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don鈥檛 have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Her: My dad鈥檚 sister does my taxes
Me: So she鈥檚 your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.