Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.