Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
You Might Also Like
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA