Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.