My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
You Might Also Like
If you’re testing me, we failed.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.