Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.