ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair