How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
You Might Also Like
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?