is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
馃幍Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR馃幎
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
HER: I鈥檝e missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
馃槀馃槀
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let鈥檚 see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
馃悹
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Her: I鈥檓 an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.