Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.