Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
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Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree