The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
You Might Also Like
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.