My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
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TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
emergency phone
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
How about daylight saves us for once
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water