Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy