We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
You Might Also Like
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
dutch is not a serious language